Ladies and gentlemen. Today I'm going to teach you an essential skill. A secret used by managers and executives. Best of all, I'm going to give you all this awesome information for FREE. I know. I'm awesome.
Lesson 1: Act Surprised.
This is the most important lesson of all. In order to de-escalate conflicts caused by things you could have easily avoided, simply act surprised. Your workers didn't get food because you didn't make sure that their paper work is in order - Act surprised. After all, how could you have possibly known that you workers take part in this weird ritual called eating?
Lesson 2: Have Someone (or something) to Blame
Let's say the first lesson fails to work. Worry not. There's another trick for you to use. Blame someone else. Your suboordinates didn't get the right tools for the job? Blame the person who immediately reports to you. The person who immediately reports to you has a problem? Easy peasy. Blame your boss. The cars at work broke down because you refused to allocate funds for maintenance? Blame the weather!
Lesson 3: Always Have a Diary
You really need to observe this rule. Always have a diary. Make sure it's made of expensive leather so that everyone sees that you are the big boss. Then, make sure you pretend to write stuff down.
Here's an example
Boss, we need to address that issue we've been reminding you for the past 8 years. We need (the stuff needed goes here. For fun's sake let's say you need a goat).
What you do in this scenario is you open your diary, write the words "Goat needed urgently," underline the keyword and use the most powerful word in the English vocabulary. I'll reveal that word soon.
Lesson 4: SORRY
This is the most powerful word ever invented. When blaming others and acting surprised won't work, say sorry. For that to be really effective you need to pretend to write stuff in your diary, say sorry and look at the floor like a big bad boy whose remorseful for doing something that's made daddy angry. It really works.
Lesson 5: Meaningless Words
Since you're always busy doing nothing, you obviously know very little about the critical operations that take place in your workplace as well as the key people and the key tasks they do. But you're a boss and you can't be seen to be an empty can. So here's what you do. Use big words that have no meaning. Use words nobody understands - or even better, create your own words!
Lesson 6: Have Meetings after Meetings
You will have meetings. You'll be asked about stuff you don't have a clue about. How do you address that? Simple! Have a meeting after the current meeting to discuss "key issues"
After that, have another meeting to act surprised and delegate the work to your suboordinate who you will blame in another meeting.
Lesson 7: Learn How to Delegate Stuff
Given a task by your boss? Simple. Give it to someone else. Do everything in your power to make sure that nothing ever stays as your responsibility.
Lesson 8: Have a Family Emergency
This is the last and most important lesson. Need to dodge work for a week because all the above lessons aren't working. Simple! Have a family emergency. Need more time? Have more family emergencies!
You see! Being a manager isn't that hard. All you need is a bit of creativity and the amazing ability to come up with rubbish that seems to make sense. This was such a great lesson. I must turn this blogpost into a course. For now, you can leave your donations : )
That’s all folks ! see you next week Wednesday!!!
Psst! Yes, I’m talking to YOU!
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